An Anatomy of Depression

            Before I went to the MNO Synod Convention in April, I had been alerted by several people that I would likely be nominated for bishop.  I had thought about this and prayed about it and had concluded that while I didn’t really want to be bishop, I would try to remain open to God’s call.

            Once the voting started, I showed up in third place on each of the first two ballots.  It was humbling and terrifying, all at the same time.  As one of the top four people, some biographical information was expected to be submitted.

            On the Saturday morning of the convention, I took out the form and started to fill it out.  However, I didn’t have any answers for most of the questions (questions like: What would be your priorities as bishop?).  It was like my brain had suddenly frozen.  I couldn’t even think in those terms or come up with any answers other than “I don’t know.”  Because of that, I didn’t hand in a bio.  As a result, I dropped down to fourth in the voting and didn’t have to address the convention.

            While I should have been feeling affirmed and grateful for people’s support, I wasn’t.  I wasn’t able to see any of the things that they thought might make me a good bishop.  I wasn’t able to trust the process or to trust God’s leading.  I was convinced that if I were to be elected, it would be a disaster both for me and for the MNO Synod.

            It wasn’t until the end of the convention that I started to realize what was going on.  I had sunk into depression.  It had snuck up on me again without me realizing it (Yes – I’ve been dealing with this for years…).  You see, the thing about depression is that you are not able to see things truthfully or objectively.  In fact, sometimes you don’t even notice all of the negative stuff that you have started telling yourself.  There is brain chemistry involved and there is heredity involved and there are some personality traits that are involved and there is negative self-talk that is involved.  As much as you might like to “just snap out of it,” you can’t.  It is a process, and it usually takes time.

            Perhaps one of the more difficult things for people of faith is the assumption that if you believe in Jesus, you shouldn’t be depressed.  However, just as with many illnesses, you don’t get a free pass just because you believe in Jesus.  I know both pastors and bishops who suffer from depression.  I have heard it suggested that Martin Luther may have suffered from depression (and I wouldn’t be surprised).  People like John of the Cross wrote about the “dark night of the soul.”  And the best biblical example of depression is the prophet Elijah (1 Kings 19).

            As you can probably guess, I thought long and hard about whether to write this or not.  However, there comes a point where it is absolutely exhausting to keep it under wraps all the time.  While there are times when I am not able to accomplish all that I would like, there are also times when I am absolutely able to understand what people are going through.  As with those clay jars in 2 Cor. 4:7, God continues to use all sorts of people.  This is to show that the power comes from God and not from us.

            It is also true that some of the most helpful images and positive, truthful messages are biblically based.  Picturing yourself as that lamb in the arms of the Good Shepherd is a marvelous way to fall asleep.  And this self-talk is absolutely true for all of us:  You are a precious child of God, and you have been given gifts for ministry.

            Please pray for me, and I will continue to pray for you!

            In Christ,

            Pastor Lynne Hutchison